don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
