Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
