Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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