Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
