You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
