Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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