I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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