Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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