She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
