Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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