I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
