My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
