Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize