is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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