I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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