oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
