just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
