I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize