In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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