I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
