you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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