i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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