Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
