i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
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