To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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