im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
