i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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