I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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