Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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