I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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