we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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