So drunk its hurt
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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