I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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