I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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