I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize