Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
