She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
