I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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