half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize