does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
