I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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