Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
