I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
