smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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