I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm always down for nudity.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
