I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
