dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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