wat bout pragnant strippers??
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
