So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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