I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I am available for nakedness
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
