like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
