MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We have started to decorate penises.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
