oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize