She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
