I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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