What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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