I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
