Will you blow on my dice?
I just gift wrapped bread.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
