just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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