God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize